# Other Discussions > Hair Loss Rants >  I just want to be normal....

## Aames

I want to go out and laugh, meet girls, expand my social circle. Maybe get drunk or stoned and then do it all again until it's time to focus on school the next day. I want people to approach me, having heard some crazy story about my humorous antics, and want to be my friend. I want to have a personality that people actually like instead of despise or find rude/self-centered. What does this feel like? I would KILL to know. I feel like the longer I spend trying to improve my appearance, the worse I get mentally. School no longer matters to me, I just get good grades going through the motions.  All I want is a balanced life. A life where everybody likes me and I don't have to spend thousands on hair loss, clothes, facial products, shoes, etc. It has been two years now since my breakdown and I have nothing to show for it. I'm still in "rebuilding" phase which I think is going to go on until my death. I want to stop it but I can't; I know far too much to ever stop. I think I am doomed to be unhappy and unsatisfied.

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## BigThinker

> I want to go out and laugh, meet girls, expand my social circle. Maybe get drunk or stoned and then do it all again until it's time to focus on school the next day. I want people to approach me, having heard some crazy story about my humorous antics, and want to be my friend. I want to have a personality that people actually like instead of despise or find rude/self-centered. What does this feel like? I would KILL to know.


 It's all about who you surround yourself with.  When I made the voyage to move from my almost exclusively rural home state to the major city of a different state, I basically had no friends waiting for me.  I _wanted_ to move, I _had_ to move.  There wasn't enough for me in the small rural state.  I close friends, but I hated that I knew everyone - I especially hated knowing every girl.

My personality has plenty of positive and negative aspects that I had to acknowledge and tweak to make new friends and fit in with a much more pretentious crowd.  My most negative trait in addition to being a bit of a narcissistic asshole at times, is that I occasionally become anxious over things like money and *hair*.  I let things like that bother me and deter me from being my best self.  When I was self-deprecating and disconnected from everyone, girls wouldn't acknowledge me -- when I became NW3 and said **** it, girls were there again.

That's not to say I don't have some positive traits that bleed through, even in my worst of times.  I have a relatively quickwit, I'm decent at reading people (which allows me to say the right thing at the right time, and to know when to say nothing at all).  I'm not afraid to talk to girls, but I'm not the best at initiating conversation unless I'm drunk (and if I'm stoned, I'm infinitely less likely to say something.)

So, as a dude a bit older than you who is probably pretty similar otherwise, what have I learned?  Forcing yourself out of your comfort zone is the best thing you can do, if you're calculated.  Know that not everyone is going to like you.  When someone is explicit they don't like you, or you think you are catching that vibe, you need to not let it deter you from taking more shots.

It honestly took me until age 23 (or so) to realize this.  I look back on my younger years, and wish I could tell myself all the things I'm saying right now.

Also, do things you take pride it, and take pride without being excessively boastful.  Be proud that you're attending a prestigious University.  Be proud that you dress fashionably.  Be proud that you work on having a body you're happy with.  

And all the while, you _have_ to get over the things that are the source of your insecurities.  When I first started balding, I thought it was the end of the world.  I wasn't motivated to go out, get ahead in school, exercise, anything.  And what happened the whole while?  My hair deteriorated.  This was such a bleak time in my life.  

I hope you can find the other side of it, like I did.  You need to find peace within yourself.  Lack of self-confidence is _so_ detectable by females, I swear.  Last weekend I went home with a girl and she touched my hair, and I can honestly say I'm so at peace with my hair that I simple kept eye contact, put on a semi-smirk, and continued to proceed with hooking up.  I got to wake up with an ear-to-ear grin.  I had proven to myself I was at peace, and it had conquered my biggest insecurity. 




> I feel like the longer I spend trying to improve my appearance, the worse I get mentally. School no longer matters to me, I just get good grades going through the motions.  All I want is a balanced life. A life where everybody likes me and I don't have to spend thousands on hair loss, clothes, facial products, shoes, etc.


 Wow, this piece was powerful.  And, goddamn, it is so right on with how I felt 4 months ago.  I let every relationship (school, personal, girls, family) in my life deteriorate for ****ing hair.  Thank goodness I was able to get over it.  And, I can tell you from the other side, the world is seen through a much more beautiful tint when you get there.

I did want to add this too: there is nothing wrong with wearing designer clothes, getting expensive hair cuts, and wanting nice things in life.  Girls like a dude who takes care of them self.  Don't feel like you're being pretentious because you buy season Ralph Lauren gear, wear designer frames, bust your ass to make money to buy a nice car and take girls to nice restaurants.  Don't ever let any losers on this forum or off of it inject that sort of bullshit in your brain.  Those are the people who don't have the drive to maximize their presentation and be confident in themselves.  **** them.

When you have a girl tell you she likes your style/outfit or your haircut, you'll realize why you do those things.  You don't do it so some squid can think your pretentious, you do it because it shows you care about yourself, and girls like that.  Bottom line.




> It has been two years now since my breakdown and I have nothing to show for it. I'm still in "rebuilding" phase which I think is going to go on until my death. I want to stop it but I can't; I know far too much to ever stop. I think I am doomed to be unhappy and unsatisfied.


 It is time.  It's time you focus on what _lasts_.  An education, a prestigious, lucrative career, experience managing intimate relationships with girls, experience figuring out who you are and what niche you fit in the world.  There is still time.  But time _is_ limited.  You have to choose how much of it is spent self-deprecated and miserable, and how much of it you spent dominating life getting the things you want -- with or without hair.

I hope you don't mind my rant.  I think your post is really powerful, and I feel like I've been on both sides.  I'll probably catch a bunch of heat from some members of this site who think I'm just being conceited and making up my accomplishments.  That's fine though; when the laptop is closed, I still get to live it and they don't.

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## Aames

Wow Big, thanks for the response. Maybe I've gotten too used to "just lift heavy and take a multi, brah," and didn't expect something so powerful. I know I need to put myself out there, or at least try to, but I just feel like a single rejection would destroy me and prevent me from ever trying again. I keep telling myself I'll approach people once I've stabilized hair loss, reached 10&#37; bf, and cleared up my face but these goals are far off and I seem to be spinning my wheels rather than progressing. It's almost ingrained in my head to not even attempt to talk to people until I meet these criteria. I used to see a psychologist but he really only identified my problems and explained why I am the way that I am; he never offered solutions or anything. I know what it is I have to do but I don't know how. I experience tremendous anxiety and doubt every time I come close to pulling the trigger on something. It's impossible for me to flirt anymore; I just can't justify taking a chance like that. Failure would crush me. I've only been in one relationship and I am still getting over it, as pathetic as that is. The feeling of being unwanted is devastating to me. That's why part of me secretly hopes duta destroys my sex drive so I have one less thing to worry about. I considered psych medications but I was recently informed by a comrade that they can cause TE, so I'll be staying far away from them even if it means suffering for the time being. I should really print out your post and read it everyday or something. I hope that what Winston edited was only you swearing and not some harsh, motivational mantra.

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## BigThinker

I was always so afraid of rejection too and, frankly, I still am to some degree.  You learn to defuse rejection by playing it off.  And, even if it does bother you inside, the fact that you feel like you projected yourself as unfazed helps you cope and get over it immediately.

I understand you are trying to hit your hair loss hard with drugs, but don't let it kill your sex drive.  Lose your hair before your balls.  Also, you'll never be "perfect".  It's okay to be perpetually working towards it, but you have to be comfortable with where you stand at any given time.

Not sure what Winston changed, but I doubt I would be able to pick it out of my rant.  I wish he would have edited my grammatical and spelling errors though.

Best regards man.  You're smart and level-headed, and that alone will carry you along.

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## Aames

> I was always so afraid of rejection too and, frankly, I still am to some degree.  You learn to defuse rejection by playing it off.  And, even if it does bother you inside, the fact that you feel like you projected yourself as unfazed helps you cope and get over it immediately.
> 
> I understand you are trying to hit your hair loss hard with drugs, but don't let it kill your sex drive.  Lose your hair before your balls.  Also, you'll never be "perfect".  It's okay to be perpetually working towards it, but you have to be comfortable with where you stand at any given time.
> 
> Not sure what Winston changed, but I doubt I would be able to pick it out of my rant.  I wish he would have edited my grammatical and spelling errors though.
> 
> Best regards man.  You're smart and level-headed, and that alone will carry you along.


 Thanks a lot man; I appreciate it. On a very unrelated note, any good destinations in the cities apart from the mall? I'm visiting a friend there in a few weeks.

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## BigThinker

I'm always on campus or out drinking.  So, unless either one of those are destinations you're into, I'm probably not much help.

You're what, in you're early 20's?  Kids your age are drinking in Dinkytown or Northeast predominantly.  Dinkytown is full of loud, immature douche bags who can't handle their booze.  Northeast is mega chill.  Me?  Pre-game with the homies and drink in the hip, divey bars of Uptown.  Cheap to drink, not awfully pretentious kids.

Check out what shows are going on at Triple Rock and First Ave.  Relatively cheap to get in, but you'll want to smuggle booze to save bukku dolares.

Who knows, maybe I'll run into ya, homes.

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## Aames

> I'm always on campus or out drinking.  So, unless either one of those are destinations you're into, I'm probably not much help.
> 
> You're what, in you're early 20's?  Kids your age are drinking in Dinkytown or Northeast predominantly.  Dinkytown is full of loud, immature douche bags who can't handle their booze.  Northeast is mega chill.  Me?  Pre-game with the homies and drink in the hip, divey bars of Uptown.  Cheap to drink, not awfully pretentious kids.
> 
> Check out what shows are going on at Triple Rock and First Ave.  Relatively cheap to get in, but you'll want to smuggle booze to save bukku dolares.
> 
> Who knows, maybe I'll run into ya, homes.


 I'll get a t-shirt made that says "Aames from BTT" so you can find me.

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## BigThinker

> I'll get a t-shirt made that says "Aames from BTT" so you can find me.


 It'll be dually effective in luring the girls in.

Do you live in Minnesota or something?  I seem to remember a member of this forum being from Rochester.  That musta been you.

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## Aames

> It'll be dually effective in luring the girls in.
> 
> Do you live in Minnesota or something?  I seem to remember a member of this forum being from Rochester.  That musta been you.


 Nah man, Wisconsin.

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