# Other Discussions > Off Topic Discussions >  ? for any women out there-What does it mean when I girl says this?

## mpb47

Hello,
This is a ? for any women out there. Just trying to figure out what a girl means when she says what was said to me a few months back.

Well over 10 years ago , I was close to getting married. It didn't work out and it burned me out on the dating thing so i gave up on dating. Eventually got fat and unhealthy and knew there was no chance at that point anyway. Well a little over a year ago that all changed and i lost the weight and back down to where i was over 10 years ago.

A freind who met his girlfriend online encouraged me to do the same so I figured I would give it a shot. Within a few weeks I had a girl contacting me. We were a good match, similar careers and interests. We meet and go out on a date. i think things go well but later felt she was pulling away. She seems to come and go over the next few months. finallly she says it's not going to work out and this is all she would say:

1) That I had said some things that she knew we would never be a good fit.

The only thing I can think of was this: She is an academic and has a masters degree. I do as well, but not in my career. In my career. i am self taught as it was one of my hobbies as a kid. I told her I took over my dept and was promoted over someone with a masters because they could not do the job. I mentioned that it was not really his fault because they do not teach real world practicality in CIS. i was not trying to brag but maybe it came off that way. I also now believe she may be an academic snob as she recently updated her profile to say something like this: i am tired of people who claim to have advanced degrees but can't spell or complete sentences. Heck, I can't spell but that is what a WP is for and that is how I made it through school. 

2) She said I was too competitive. We share a same sport and I was careful to go slow as I knew it would not be fair: girl against a guy. So not sure how she could come up with that. Plus I am lazy, and only recently has anyone else ever said that about me. Maybe she meant the career thing...that might be true I admit. And if she really is an academic snob, darn right I would be. Not to be mean, but to prove a point.

3) She later told me when we met, while a good fit on paper, there was nothing else there. What does this mean exactly?


I like to learn from my failures, so appreciate any interpretation
i know some of the fault was on my side, but this is an attractive girl and she is still trying to find a boyfreind so I don't think it is all on me. 

When she first pulled away I asked her if I was too unattractive to her and if so, let me know and I would not bother her anymore. But she never said a word when I asked her that, so still puzzled what went wrong. Thanks

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## Aames

I wish I could help you a bit more, but I am slightly inexperienced with women. What I can tell you, however, is that analyzing every little possibility and scenario regarding where you went wrong will drive you insane (trust me). Be as aesthetic as you can, be kind but don't let her walk all over you (be dominant but don't be a complete douche), and realize that there are billions of women on this planet and not a single one of them is more special than the other.

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## baldozer

> Hello,
> This is a ? for any women out there. Just trying to figure out what a girl means when she says what was said to me a few months back.
> 
> Well over 10 years ago , I was close to getting married. It didn't work out and it burned me out on the dating thing so i gave up on dating. Eventually got fat and unhealthy and knew there was no chance at that point anyway. Well a little over a year ago that all changed and i lost the weight and back down to where i was over 10 years ago.
> 
> A freind who met his girlfriend online encouraged me to do the same so I figured I would give it a shot. Within a few weeks I had a girl contacting me. We were a good match, similar careers and interests. We meet and go out on a date. i think things go well but later felt she was pulling away. She seems to come and go over the next few months. finallly she says it's not going to work out and this is all she would say:
> 
> 1) That I had said some things that she knew we would never be a good fit.
> 
> ...


 Maybe she was turned off by your insecurities. Why would you ask someone if you are unattractive, if you are not insecure?

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## mpb47

> I wish I could help you a bit more, but I am slightly inexperienced with women. What I can tell you, however, is that analyzing every little possibility and scenario regarding where you went wrong will drive you insane (trust me). Be as aesthetic as you can, be kind but don't let her walk all over you (be dominant but don't be a complete douche), and realize that there are billions of women on this planet and not a single one of them is more special than the other.


 Yea I probably did let her walk over me a bit too much but it was because it had been a long time since I met someone I liked this much.

As far as the analyzing goes, that is hard not to do because I really am an analyst as far as my job goes. Got to know what went wrong so I do not repeat. I have had too many almosts I guess.

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## mpb47

> Maybe she was turned off by your insecurities. Why would you ask someone if you are unattractive, if you are not insecure?


 Maybe she felt that way but that is not why I asked. I could tell there was a problem at that point and wanted to know what it was. I knew if she found me unattractive there was no point in continuing to try and date her. But if it was something minor, it might be fixable.

I do know I probably make a bad impression but not sure why. Even my mom said something like that years ago. Said it was too bad people judge on the first encounter because they never get to know the real me or something like that.

I have figured out that many women don't understand or like dry humor. I had a friend years ago that I though was hilarious but he had far more worst luck with women than I ever did . My gf at the time went out on a mercy date with him and fell asleep in the movie theater. I asked her what was wrong with him..she said boring boring. I said what about his jokes? She didn't like them/understand them. So I learned to quit doing that. I did try a few on this girl and could tell she did not like them so I stopped pretty quick like.

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## Aames

Analyzing women is such a frustrating thing, though. I recently approached a woman who had told other people that I was very hot, only to be rejected. I think I have an off-putting personality until you get to know me and my quirks (my long-time friends find them funny). I don't know all the pieces to the puzzle; I really would like to just give up on women. I feel your pain.

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## mpb47

> Analyzing women is such a frustrating thing, though. I recently approached a woman who had told other people that I was very hot, only to be rejected. I think I have an off-putting personality until you get to know me and my quirks (my long-time friends find them funny). I don't know all the pieces to the puzzle; I really would like to just give up on women. I feel your pain.


 Well I *may* have an answer to why the girl rejected you..only because I had the same thing happen to me about 2 years ago. 

Did you in *any* way give off any signals that you were not interested. Maybe not words but actions? Maybe you were nervous and took it slow?

I had a girl at work that I am pretty sure was interested in me. She asked me out to lunch frequently-and I took her up on it. Over the holidays she invited me over to her house-did not take her up on it. The problem was - it was not that I was Not interested, but 2 years ago I was very much overweight and very sick. Couldn't have done anything even if I wanted to, but my hormones were so messed up I didn't want to. Well I got better but at that point it was too late. Asked her out to lunch several times and the answer was always no! As of late she has warmed up a bit, but she takes my humor as being serious so not sure it could ever work out anyway.

So did you give any kind of sign to her that you might reject her? I do know women can't STAND being rejected and I think it hurts them more than us-probably due to their hormones but that is just a guess. If she thought you might reject her, she would reject you first.

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## baldozer

> Analyzing women is such a frustrating thing, though. I recently approached a woman who had told other people that I was very hot, only to be rejected. I think I have an off-putting personality until you get to know me and my quirks (my long-time friends find them funny). I don't know all the pieces to the puzzle; I really would like to just give up on women. I feel your pain.


 It all comes down to biology. Women have got all the power sexually because they are in high demand while men are not. I read in a blog where a girl was saying that her boyfriend told her to trim down, so she immediately left him. On the other hand, a guy was telling his story that his girlfriend pointed out to him that he was going bald and she would leave him if he ever goes bald, the guy tried to cling on to her nevertheless as he thought he might never get a girlfriend again, and unfortunately his girlfriend did left him. You see the contrast here! A girl can change boyfriends like you change clothes, while a man cannot.

And concerning your story, its my experience that sometimes when you see a person from a distance, you think, vow that person looks good, but as soon as you meet that person, your perspective changes. Its also true vice/versa, that is someone looks ugly to you from a distance but very good looking face to face. I am not bragging here, but this has happened to me a lot of times. As I am bald, people usually don't see me as good looking if they see me from a distance, but after they meet me, they are surprised, and say how good I look. They especially find my eyes, nose and bone structure attractive.

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## Aames

> Well I *may* have an answer to why the girl rejected you..only because I had the same thing happen to me about 2 years ago. 
> 
> Did you in *any* way give off any signals that you were not interested. Maybe not words but actions? Maybe you were nervous and took it slow?
> 
> I had a girl at work that I am pretty sure was interested in me. She asked me out to lunch frequently-and I took her up on it. Over the holidays she invited me over to her house-did not take her up on it. The problem was - it was not that I was Not interested, but 2 years ago I was very much overweight and very sick. Couldn't have done anything even if I wanted to, but my hormones were so messed up I didn't want to. Well I got better but at that point it was too late. Asked her out to lunch several times and the answer was always no! As of late she has warmed up a bit, but she takes my humor as being serious so not sure it could ever work out anyway.
> 
> So did you give any kind of sign to her that you might reject her? I do know women can't STAND being rejected and I think it hurts them more than us-probably due to their hormones but that is just a guess. If she thought you might reject her, she would reject you first.


 Shit, I don't know man. I think there are other factors at play; the situation is very complicated. In any case, being rejected in such a manner has really destroyed my confidence. It will be a long while before I can put myself out there again. I'm just going to focus on improving myself in the meantime. I hope things work out for you, friend. Just remember you are a great human being and you do not need a woman to complete you. She should only enhance your life. I try to remember these things but it is hard spending night after night alone.

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## Shan

> It all comes down to biology. Women have got all the power sexually because they are in high demand while men are not. I read in a blog where a girl was saying that her boyfriend told her to trim down, so she immediately left him. On the other hand, a guy was telling his story that his girlfriend pointed out to him that he was going bald and she would leave him if he ever goes bald, the guy tried to cling on to her nevertheless as he thought he might never get a girlfriend again, and unfortunately his girlfriend did left him. You see the contrast here! A girl can change boyfriends like you change clothes, while a man cannot.
> 
> And concerning your story, its my experience that sometimes when you see a person from a distance, you think, vow that person looks good, but as soon as you meet that person, your perspective changes. Its also true vice/versa, that is someone looks ugly to you from a distance but very good looking face to face. I am not bragging here, but this has happened to me a lot of times. As I am bald, people usually don't see me as good looking if they see me from a distance, but after they meet me, they are surprised, and say how good I look. They especially find my eyes, nose and bone structure attractive.


 
Oh god this is so funny. You know you're an ugly twat BD, stop trying to convince yourself othetwise

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## NotBelievingIt

My .02c



> 1) That I had said some things that she knew we would never be a good fit.


 It could be subtle things you think nothing of because it is simply who you are.  It could have been a comment about politics, or other behavior traits that in the early stages most people purposefully don't show - but can sometimes let slip through innocent and quickly worded exchanges.




> 2) She said I was too competitive.


 Simply that you don't take to losing or not doing well.  The last gal I dated actually made a point to tell me one of her 'tests' is how a guy does at bowling and his reactions.  My heart sunk at this because I am terrible at bowling but I like doing it and it ticks me off to no end that I suck.  But I know I suck only because I only go bowling like once every 2 years.  We never went bowling but had we, I know I would have changed my attitude purposely because of her comment.  Bowling is such a simple sport that no one should really ever take it seriously unless you're actually good.  But an overly competitive person will take not react well when they do poorly at something.




> 3) She later told me when we met, while a good fit on paper, there was nothing else there. What does this mean exactly?


 That you write a good dating site profile and sounded like you might be interesting, but lack actual hobbies or "life events" that would make you someone fun to hang out with or talk about your past.  I think I fall into this same category.  I basically have zero stories about the last 13 years of my life and it bothers me.  The last girlfriend had a shitton of stories and I internally just felt so boring.  I was definitely not without things to do with her that I wanted to do as well as she wanted to do, so that was covered.  It was just my past that stunk.





> When she first pulled away I asked her if I was too unattractive


 This was your ultimate failure and what likely made her mind up.  If you have no confidence in yourself, you can't have it for her.

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## TheLaughingCow

Don't analyze her comments, analyze her actions.  She just wasn't that into you, and so she made up some reasons to rationalize it to you.  I doubt that those were the real reasons she didn't like you.  *She probably just didn't feel any chemistry, which isn't your fault.*  Try not to agonize over it.

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## mpb47

> Shit, I don't know man. I think there are other factors at play; the situation is very complicated. In any case, being rejected in such a manner has really destroyed my confidence. It will be a long while before I can put myself out there again. I'm just going to focus on improving myself in the meantime. I hope things work out for you, friend. Just remember you are a great human being and you do not need a woman to complete you. She should only enhance your life. I try to remember these things but it is hard spending night after night alone.


 Well only advise I can say is it's ok to give up for awhile and take a break, just don't take too long like I did. The way with dealing with being alone is to be sure and spend time with friends and hopefully the right girl will come along sooner or later.

Thanks..don't worry I don't give up! And good luck to you too man!

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## mpb47

> It all comes down to biology. Women have got all the power sexually because they are in high demand while men are not. I read in a blog where a girl was saying that her boyfriend told her to trim down, so she immediately left him. On the other hand, a guy was telling his story that his girlfriend pointed out to him that he was going bald and she would leave him if he ever goes bald, the guy tried to cling on to her nevertheless as he thought he might never get a girlfriend again, and unfortunately his girlfriend did left him. You see the contrast here! A girl can change boyfriends like you change clothes, while a man cannot.


 I think this is true only when you are younger. At time goes on, it's 50-50 least that is the way it appears to me. Now I hear many people saying what you are saying is true all the time when it comes to online dating. I have not done it long enough to form an opinion.




> And concerning your story, its my experience that sometimes when you see a person from a distance, you think, vow that person looks good, but as soon as you meet that person, your perspective changes. Its also true vice/versa, that is someone looks ugly to you from a distance but very good looking face to face. I am not bragging here, but this has happened to me a lot of times. As I am bald, people usually don't see me as good looking if they see me from a distance, but after they meet me, they are surprised, and say how good I look. They especially find my eyes, nose and bone structure attractive.


 Yea that could be it too and she just refused to tell me for whatever reason.

I have had really unattractive girls be repulsed by my appearance yet had really attractive girls get someone to get me to ask them out. So I really don't know where I stand in that dept. Guess it depends on the other person.

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## mpb47

> My .02c
> 
> 
> It could be subtle things you think nothing of because it is simply who you are.  It could have been a comment about politics, or other behavior traits that in the early stages most people purposefully don't show - but can sometimes let slip through innocent and quickly worded exchanges.


 I really think it had to do something with academics- she is big into that and even though we are in the same field more or less, I am 99% self taught. She asked why I did not have a degree in our field and I told her because at least at the time, they were 20 years out of date and it was a waste of time..and I had seen too many people with both undergrad and masters degrees who couldn't administer a unix server if it hit them in the head. That probably was it right there as you can guess what masters program she just enrolled in. 




> Simply that you don't take to losing or not doing well.  The last gal I dated actually made a point to tell me one of her 'tests' is how a guy does at bowling and his reactions.  My heart sunk at this because I am terrible at bowling but I like doing it and it ticks me off to no end that I suck.  But I know I suck only because I only go bowling like once every 2 years.  We never went bowling but had we, I know I would have changed my attitude purposely because of her comment.  Bowling is such a simple sport that no one should really ever take it seriously unless you're actually good.  But an overly competitive person will take not react well when they do poorly at something.


 Honestly most people would not say I was competitive at least at most things. I am only competitive in things that I enjoy for fun, which most of the time are my hobbies. Which in this case, became my career.  I a m also competitive if something is important to me, then I do not like to lose. But I don't really think anything is wrong with that as it has got me a good steady job for almost 16 years and has kept me alive.




> That you write a good dating site profile and sounded like you might be interesting, but lack actual hobbies or "life events" that would make you someone fun to hang out with or talk about your past.  I think I fall into this same category.  I basically have zero stories about the last 13 years of my life and it bothers me.  The last girlfriend had a shitton of stories and I internally just felt so boring.  I was definitely not without things to do with her that I wanted to do as well as she wanted to do, so that was covered.  It was just my past that stunk.


 Ah now You may have hit on something. I don't write a good profile, but rather I had help. A woman helped me and she kinda said the same things you just did. Because I am into so much technical things, that many women would not be into me, because I was not well rounded. And that I was probably in for a long wait.  She did say that it was good that I knew who I was and it only would take the right girl for things to work out.




> This was your ultimate failure and what likely made her mind up.  If you have no confidence in yourself, you can't have it for her.


 I guess it's confusing to me that I could both be too competitive and lack confidence at the same time. Things I am good at, I have confidence, things I am not, I don't . This was the first attempt at getting back into the dating scene so I probably didn't have confidence. People on these dating sites are always saying you should be your true self. Well I tried that and it didn't work out so well. I have met a few women since this girl and I will say at least they were honest up front they were not into tech types-so I was not left wondering like I was with this girl Thinking about doing a role reversal- faking confidence in normal life stuff and not say a word about my career/hobbies etc. I couldn't hold up that front forever, but maybe long enough for them to like me. Dating shouldn't be this hard...

Thanks for the comments...

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## mpb47

> Don't analyze her comments, analyze her actions.  She just wasn't that into you, and so she made up some reasons to rationalize it to you.  I doubt that those were the real reasons she didn't like you.  *She probably just didn't feel any chemistry, which isn't your fault.*  Try not to agonize over it.


 That certainly could have been part of it, but I really don't think that is all of it. I really think I stuck my foot in my mouth so to speak. I just realized something else I said. When it comes to things like politics, I don't normally have a strong opinion. But in my field I say what is on my mind. I am not as bad about this as I was say 10 years ago, but still. Anyway somehow the subject of a certain company that makes products in our field came up. They have a reputation of selling overpriced, under performing products. Turns out some of her "degrees" came from this company. Thing is, this would have come up sooner or later and I wouldn't have been able to lie if asked as this company has caused us plenty of trouble at work. Now I would not have cared one bit that she got some of her "degrees" from them, but it wouldn't change how I felt about the company. She may have been sensitive about this..don't know, but I am sure it didn't help me. But I am not going to be in a relationship where I am always going to be walking on a tight rope ether.

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## Proper

> Oh god this is so funny. You know you're an ugly twat BD, stop trying to convince yourself othetwise


 AHAHAHAHAHAHAH! ****ING +1.

Anyways, if a girl avoids, its easy, she just wasn't into you and is coming up with an excuse as to why. People don't full out say they don't want to be with you cause of the way you look. That may be the case here because she says on paper, you guys match, which means you weren't exactly what she had in mind when she met you. I'm not saying you are ugly, I'm just saying women are picky bitches. And also, if shes doing the online thing, she must've had a whole lotta other people she was talking to at the same time she was talking to you and maybe found a better option in her opinion.

I had a friend that became a slut after high school and when we use to hang out that during in social events, she was always with a different guy every week or two and she'd tell everyone that they were just friends but I know where shes meeting those guys and how. We all talked about her behind her back which was the funny part and we made fun of her a couple times about it which is why she doesn't hang out with us anymore but whatever, bitch got what had to be said.

In all honesty, just don't think about it and give her the **** off, just another bitch. Don't be one of those guys where their girls want to take a snapshot together at a restaurant or some shit. I see that all the time and I can't help but laugh to myself at how ***** the guy is to let his girlfriend tell him what to do unless of course he wanted to in the first place then sure why not.

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## mpb47

> AHAHAHAHAHAHAH! ****ING +1.
> 
> Anyways, if a girl avoids, its easy, she just wasn't into you and is coming up with an excuse as to why. People don't full out say they don't want to be with you cause of the way you look. That may be the case here because she says on paper, you guys match, which means you weren't exactly what she had in mind when she met you. I'm not saying you are ugly, I'm just saying women are picky bitches. And also, if shes doing the online thing, she must've had a whole lotta other people she was talking to at the same time she was talking to you and maybe found a better option in her opinion.


 
Who knows that may have been it , though I really think if it could have been that and the other things I mentioned. It took her months to finally say she was not interested and when she did, she said more than once that a friend of her would be a good match, but never provided any details so I really don't know what she was really thinking.






> In all honesty, just don't think about it and give her the **** off, just another bitch. Don't be one of those guys where their girls want to take a snapshot together at a restaurant or some shit. I see that all the time and I can't help but laugh to myself at how ***** the guy is to let his girlfriend tell him what to do unless of course he wanted to in the first place then sure why not.


 The funny thing is I would forget about her and then she would reappear
for a week or so, then disappear again. This kept happening every few months. Oh don't worry, I knew better than to get involved at that point as she was too flakey. I just always wanted to know why she wasn't into me. She is really smart but kinda nuts too as her last husband left her. She told his name once and a mutual friend told me he was on local tv from time to time. Well not too long ago I finally saw him and he kinda looked like an older version of me so that could have been it as well. I don't know if she intended it to come out this way, but her updated profile comes off as arrogant. As in don't bother me unless you are smart. Knowing that I would have loved to challenge her to a game of "chess".

But I have to keep looking but so far I have only found a few that interest me. And like I said earlier they were honest enough to say techs were not their type. When I reject someone online , I normally do not want to hurt their feelings so I tell a white lie that I am trying to date someone else-which was actually true at one point. But if they ever pushed for more details, I would be honest and tell them since I am that way myself. So far none has pushed further..

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## Proper

This might sound immature but did you get it in? If so, you've already won. Anyways, I understand how you feel. I re read the whole thread and from what I got is that you haven't liked anyone like her in a long time which is why you may forget about her for a time being and then start thinking about her again. It feels very life consuming because its not something you can control. Its one of those things left unsaid but then it kinda eats away at someone because there must have been some sort of reason. Any justifiable reason. 

At the same time, its what your mind wants to hear. If it hits the wrong reasons, you may believe that the real reason is yet to be told.

Shes a real haertbreaker that one, to leave it for months continually drifting. If she was drifting during those months, that could have been something. She was too scared to break the relationship but stayed just to see if her feelings or whatever she was thinking changed. But in the end, she didn't find what she was looking for.

I am the type to get even so when that happened to me in my younger years, I'd feel the need to do soemthing like slash tires or get at someone she knows but after countless relationships, I just now assume that there was nothing I could have done to salvage what was inevitable. At least thats what I tell myself so I don't go creating black eyes.

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## mpb47

> This might sound immature but did you get it in? If so, you've already won. Anyways, I understand how you feel. I re read the whole thread and from what I got is that you haven't liked anyone like her in a long time which is why you may forget about her for a time being and then start thinking about her again. It feels very life consuming because its not something you can control. Its one of those things left unsaid but then it kinda eats away at someone because there must have been some sort of reason. Any justifiable reason.


 Yea that's it in a nutshell. And to answer your ? , no never got that far.




> At the same time, its what your mind wants to hear. If it hits the wrong reasons, you may believe that the real reason is yet to be told.


 Well I really did want the real answer, no matter what it was. If it were my looks, well nothing I could do about that-end of story. If something I did I wanted to know so I would not repeat in the future.




> Shes a real haertbreaker that one, to leave it for months continually drifting. If she was drifting during those months, that could have been something. She was too scared to break the relationship but stayed just to see if her feelings or whatever she was thinking changed. But in the end, she didn't find what she was looking for.


 I made friend's with a remote girl on this one dating site. We would trade advise. She would ask me advise about how guys thought and vise versa. We could talk about anything and I mean anything. She asked me about what guys really think about boobs and I told her they were like hypnotizing drugs..that she should a little cleavage, but not too much. I gave her all the info on this girl that I had up till that point and asked what was going on. She said first the fact that she had literally just been divorced was a big no no and no way it would work till some time passed. That I was wasting my time. Secondly, along the lines of what several of you said, she did not think she was into me and just wanted a companion until something better came along. She predicted she would slowly disappear and that's pretty much what has happened. She told she had never done this, but seen some of her girlfriends do it to guys they kinda liked, but not loved. 




> I am the type to get even so when that happened to me in my younger years, I'd feel the need to do soemthing like slash tires or get at someone she knows but after countless relationships, I just now assume that there was nothing I could have done to salvage what was inevitable. At least thats what I tell myself so I don't go creating black eyes.


 Well I never really believe in physical violence or anything like that- except against former bullies in high school  :Smile:  And yes I head locked one of them and did give him a black eye and even that was to just get him to leave me alone.

Speaking of which, I am highly sensitive to arrogance because my parents made me go to a 90210 type of high school. It drives me more than money ever could and has been both a help and a hindrance.  If I were to do anything , it would be to prove to her that you don't have to have certain degree to be smart. And I wouldn't do it to be mean per say, but rather to get her to change her attitude. I did not pick up on her attitude till I read her updated profile recently. Then I remembered when I first realized she was really smart and said so, she replied that she was the smartest person she knew among her friends. Well several of my friends have said that about me, but I certainly would not go around saying that about myself. Should have picked up on that but I didn't.

The girl at work I mentioned earlier in the thread is in Mensa, but she NEVER - to this day has told me this. I found out only because I picked up on her IQ and asked her supervisor.

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## mpb47

> 


 So what's wrong with being direct and to the point? If there is no attraction, no reason to continue to pursue.  Regardless, of the reason, it taught me to be more reserved and not get my hopes up too soon

Think you know women? Well here is another one to figure out. A few weeks back I met (online only) a *potentially* interesting girl. We do have some geeky common interests and strike up a nice normal conversation about our mutual interests. After about a week or so I didn't hear from her till today. She apologized for being slow about responding saying she thought she had and then realized that she had not.   Truth or Fiction? And does it matter?

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## Aames

> So what's wrong with being direct and to the point? If there is no attraction, no reason to continue to pursue.  Regardless, of the reason, it taught me to be more reserved and not get my hopes up too soon
> 
> Think you know women? Well here is another one to figure out. A few weeks back I met (online only) a *potentially* interesting girl. We do have some geeky common interests and strike up a nice normal conversation about our mutual interests. After about a week or so I didn't hear from her till today. She apologized for being slow about responding saying she thought she had and then realized that she had not.   Truth or Fiction? And does it matter?


 I know I am not answering your question (attaching meaning to a women's action would only be speculation, and probably incorrect speculation in my case) but I feel I must provide for you some context on online dating. Remember that on those sites, men DRASTICALLY outnumber women. Women receive hundreds of messages a day and have their pick of the litter. It is very hard to stand out and very easy to get lost in the see of responses no matter how attractive or interesting you are. Additionally, many women keep accounts there to validate themselves and receive attention that they do not receive in real life; they may not even be interested in dating anyone. If you don't believe me, make a female account and watch how many messages you get. It's a very interesting and eye-opening social experiment.

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## Proper

> I know I am not answering your question (attaching meaning to a women's action would only be speculation, and probably incorrect speculation in my case) but I feel I must provide for you some context on online dating. Remember that on those sites, men DRASTICALLY outnumber women. Women receive hundreds of messages a day and have their pick of the litter. It is very hard to stand out and very easy to get lost in the see of responses no matter how attractive or interesting you are. Additionally, many women keep accounts there to validate themselves and receive attention that they do not receive in real life; they may not even be interested in dating anyone. If you don't believe me, make a female account and watch how many messages you get. It's a very interesting and eye-opening social experiment.


 Lol I can vouch this. Me and smoe buddies made fake girls accounts before and trolled dudes. Its pretty fun atually especially if you find people you know.

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## Shan

Highlander, what do you know girls, you ****ing psycho. The closest you ever came to a women was your mum.

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## Tracy C

> 3) She later told me when we met, while a good fit on paper, there was nothing else there. What does this mean exactly?


 She didn't feel the chemistry.  She sounds like she probably is an academic snob.  These folks have a more difficult time recognizing chemistry because they overthink everything.

It's not that "it's you" and it's not that "it's her".  You are just not a good fit for each other.  Move on and don't worry about it.  You will know a good fit when it happens.

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## Exodus

> 


 I know he's screwed in the head and I hope you get back on the dating scene, but, this post is hilarious!

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## BigThinker

> So what's wrong with being direct and to the point?


 You exposed insecurities in a culture where men are expected to be strong, withstanding, and often uncaring -- especially early in the courting process.

Earlier you figure that out, the better.

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## mpb47

> I know I am not answering your question (attaching meaning to a women's action would only be speculation, and probably incorrect speculation in my case) but I feel I must provide for you some context on online dating. Remember that on those sites, men DRASTICALLY outnumber women. Women receive hundreds of messages a day and have their pick of the litter. It is very hard to stand out and very easy to get lost in the see of responses no matter how attractive or interesting you are. Additionally, many women keep accounts there to validate themselves and receive attention that they do not receive in real life; they may not even be interested in dating anyone. If you don't believe me, make a female account and watch how many messages you get. It's a very interesting and eye-opening social experiment.


 Oh yes I do believe you. When I first got on my first site, I asked for advice and that is one of the first things people said. And my female friend that was helping me said the same thing. And several people told me I was really lucky to meet someone so quickly..like 2 weeks after I joined is when she started contacting me. And yea I think you are right about the validation part, least when it comes to girl #1 as it doesn't make sense that a smart pretty girl is stlll at this very moment trying to find someone. The first site is still trying to match us up after all this time, kinda frustrating to see her every time I log on.

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## mpb47

> Because that's not how human interaction works. It's more subtle than that. Let her actions tell you if she's attracted to you. Asking someone direct questions like that is incredibly confrontational and puts the woman in a really awkward position.


 Well that is a problem for me as I have always had trouble reading girl's intentions. I will think they like me and they want nothing to do with me. I don't think they like me and later find out they got miffed because I didn't do anything. The girl I have mentioned in several mpb threads (she likes it) is a good example. We knew each other as kids. We found each other again in college. Spend hours in her car catching up. Have lots of classes together always in same group in fact she is the one who wanted to do a class group presentation on mpb meds but that is a story for another day. She tells me all kinds of personal stuff - like she thinks she is fat and is saving for lipo . She is not fat at all -just had nice normal boobs/figure. She invites me to her apartment, we have a good time catching up but after while I get the feeling she is uncomfortable so I figure she is not into me and leave it at that. Well fast forward a couple of years later I hear through the grapevine she was made that I never pursued her. So I guess I got tired of trying to be a mind reader ....





> The main thing is to not be a beta male. Don't grovel to a woman and seek her acceptance. Be your own man and let her come to you. That's the difference between alpha and beta. And ultimately, women don't want a man they can boss around. It's in their blood to want to be dominated. Don't let any "empowered" woman tell you otherwise.


 Well truth be told, I don't want to be an alpha nor a beta. Maybe this is weird but I have always thought relationships should be a 50-50 thing where no one controls the other. I know some women do not like this and that is ok as they are not for me.




> I've never attractive a girl by doing shit like what you did. On the other hand literally doing what I want, being short with girls, not paying much attention to them, being who I am and so on have had me approached countless times. Now, this could be partly looks based, but the point is you want THEM to be attracted TO you.


 Well some of what you say has worked for me in the past , strictly by accident. A couple of times I ignored the girl , not to be rude, but didn't think I had a chance so did not want to waste any effort. I think if I tried to do it intentionally , it wouldn't work




> Cliffs: Don't fight for their attraction, instead make them want to be attracted to you for who you are.


 Yea just wish it was that easy. I just wish people didn't have to play games to get things going. I am not that way, but it sure seems like that is how things work.

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## mpb47

> She didn't feel the chemistry.  She sounds like she probably is an academic snob.  These folks have a more difficult time recognizing chemistry because they overthink everything.
> 
> It's not that "it's you" and it's not that "it's her".  You are just not a good fit for each other.  Move on and don't worry about it.  You will know a good fit when it happens.


 Yea you are probably right...just wish It wouldn't have taken her months to tell me this  :Smile:

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## mpb47

> You exposed insecurities in a culture where men are expected to be strong, withstanding, and often uncaring -- especially early in the courting process.
> 
> Earlier you figure that out, the better.


 
Well I was hoping I would not have to resort to games, but I can put up a good front if that is what it takes....

Will have to see if #2 goes anywhere, but I am not going to get too involved this time unless I see real interest. Honestly this online dating seems like a big long shot anyway.

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## mpb47

> I say this from the most loving place possible mpb47, but did you ever consider that you may be mildly autistic? I get the feeling from a lot of your posts that you have significant issues with inter-personal relationships.


 Not a problem as it is not a curse and we all have to deal with the cards we are dealt . But yes around 4th grade I was tested for learning disorder. I was never told the results but my sister told me recently that they thought I had a mild learning disorder.

I did decent enough on College entrance exams, better than several of my friends, who were admitted to the same college, but on academic probation, while I did well enough to be offered a military commission. Yet once they got in, they did just fine. One graduated cum laude while I struggled to survive. I just about washed out till I learned how to teach myself and then things started turning around.

About 10 years ago I took 3 tests-but not in a professional setting so the results are not "official".  One said high probability of ADD, one said high probability of Aspengers, one said IQ of 146.  So yea there is probably something wrong with me. But despite that I have done pretty good for myself in everything but relationships and that's what I am trying to fix right now.

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## Diesel15

> Well that is a problem for me as I have always had trouble reading girl's intentions. I will think they like me and they want nothing to do with me. I don't think they like me and later find out they got miffed because I didn't do anything. The girl I have mentioned in several mpb threads (she likes it) is a good example. We knew each other as kids. We found each other again in college. Spend hours in her car catching up. Have lots of classes together always in same group in fact she is the one who wanted to do a class group presentation on mpb meds but that is a story for another day. She tells me all kinds of personal stuff - like she thinks she is fat and is saving for lipo . She is not fat at all -just had nice normal boobs/figure. She invites me to her apartment, we have a good time catching up but after while I get the feeling she is uncomfortable so I figure she is not into me and leave it at that. Well fast forward a couple of years later I hear through the grapevine she was made that I never pursued her. So I guess I got tired of trying to be a mind reader ....
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Well truth be told, I don't want to be an alpha nor a beta. Maybe this is weird but I have always thought relationships should be a 50-50 thing where no one controls the other. I know some women do not like this and that is ok as they are not for me.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


 First off let me say that there are many guys out there that can empathize with your thoughts on this.  It seems to me by reading your posts that you engaged in a lot of approval seeking behaviour with this woman.  You also seem to have a bit of a contradictory approach when it comes to relationships.  You admit on one hand that you would actively try to avoid doing something if you knew that she wouldn't like it while at the same time rejecting the suggestion of trying to portray a stronger version of yourself.  Why are you willing to be a kiss *ss but not a more assertive version of yourself??  In either case you are putting up a false front which any woman will ultimately see through and lose respect for you.  We've all been guilty of doing this at times so I'm definitely not trying to pick on you here.  The best thing you can do for yourself is to work on your self-confidence.  It will benifit you in every aspect of your life.  

On a side note, it sounds like the friend that you referenced has put you in the "friend zone" and you're stuck there unless you change your approach.  In general, a woman who is sexually interested in you is not going to openly discuss her body issues with you.  She's just looking for you to tell her she looks good to prop up her self esteem.  If you're interested in reversing the situation start talking about other women in front of her and when she starts complaining about her looks or man problems tell her you charge $200 an hour for therapy sessions!

You really seem like a genuinely good guy who is not a player so I'll share a tip with you that has worked great for me and is incredibly simple.  The first time I hang out with a woman I always start out very early in the conversation by telling a ridiculously corny joke.  It does 3 things for you.  First, it subtly displays confidence because it's glaringly obvious that you are purposely telling a joke that you know is stupid and corny.  If she laughs that tells you one of two things.  Either she is into you or at least she is not too up-tight to laugh at a corny joke.  If she doesn't laugh, you know something about her as well.  It's a great screening process and puts you in control a bit more than trying to impress her from the start.  Good luck to you my friend!

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## mpb47

> That makes sense. Maybe you should research how people with similar problems overcome them? I'm sure there are good strategies and tips out there for how you can learn to better interact with people.
> 
> Best of luck.


 Thanks ..day to day stuff is fine. You just watch human behavior and mimic it. TV helps as long as it is not over the top. Now it's no longer acting but who I am.

The problem is mostly with relationships. If I make a joke, they think I am serious and get mad or otherwise don't understand the intent and get mad. If I say the sky is blue they swear I said the sky was red. So why not say nothing at all? Well to a degree, that works, but if you do it too much they think you are boring.

BTW- you are the first person to ever figure it out. I wondered so I took those tests about 10 years ago.

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## mpb47

> First off let me say that there are many guys out there that can empathize with your thoughts on this.  It seems to me by reading your posts that you engaged in a lot of approval seeking behaviour with this woman.  You also seem to have a bit of a contradictory approach when it comes to relationships.  You admit on one hand that you would actively try to avoid doing something if you knew that she wouldn't like it while at the same time rejecting the suggestion of trying to portray a stronger version of yourself.  Why are you willing to be a kiss *ss but not a more assertive version of yourself??  In either case you are putting up a false front which any woman will ultimately see through and lose respect for you.  We've all been guilty of doing this at times so I'm definitely not trying to pick on you here.  The best thing you can do for yourself is to work on your self-confidence.  It will benifit you in every aspect of your life.


 Well I went overboard on her because it had been a long time since I had met a girl I thought I truly liked and would be a good fit. At the time I did not think she was arrogant and everything else seemed pretty good so didn't want to let her get away if I could help it. And I never said I wouldn't put up a strong front, just said I don't like playing games...but it seems like you have to if you wish to succeed these days.





> On a side note, it sounds like the friend that you referenced has put you in the "friend zone" and you're stuck there unless you change your approach.  In general, a woman who is sexually interested in you is not going to openly discuss her body issues with you.  She's just looking for you to tell her she looks good to prop up her self esteem.  If you're interested in reversing the situation start talking about other women in front of her and when she starts complaining about her looks or man problems tell her you charge $200 an hour for therapy sessions!


 She has been out of the picture for awhile now. Married and I think divorced 




> You really seem like a genuinely good guy who is not a player so I'll share a tip with you that has worked great for me and is incredibly simple.  The first time I hang out with a woman I always start out very early in the conversation by telling a ridiculously corny joke.  It does 3 things for you.  First, it subtly displays confidence because it's glaringly obvious that you are purposely telling a joke that you know is stupid and corny.  If she laughs that tells you one of two things.  Either she is into you or at least she is not too up-tight to laugh at a corny joke.  If she doesn't laugh, you know something about her as well.  It's a great screening process and puts you in control a bit more than trying to impress her from the start.  Good luck to you my friend!


 [/QUOTE]

Well I have tried jokes before and most of the time it doesn't seem to work.
This one we are talking about loves to be frugal. When we met I noticed her car. Later I messaged her and told her if I had known she had such a flashly car, I would not showed up in my little car, but instead on my flashy bike. She thought I was serious and thought I thought I was better at saving money than she was. And got mad about it. Oh well, I thought I knew her but sure doesn't seem to be the same person I met last year. I can't log on to one site without it constantly trying to match us. Tonight I noticed she updated her profile..now she is saying she doesn't want non-Americans who can't speak proper English bothering her. I can respect someone having their likes and dislikes, but as smart as she is, you'd think she would have known better than post something like that on her profile for the whole world to see.


Thanks for the tips... I get frustrated with all this but I am still going to try the game, but at a more reserved  stance and see what happens...

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## akai

Bang her a few times and move on. Don't get oneitis, especially with a chick you're not compatible with.

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## mpb47

> Bang her a few times and move on. Don't get oneitis, especially with a chick you're not compatible with.


 Well that window closed a good while ago. Now it's just a message from her every few months or so. So yea I had to move on, though I did noticed recently she wised up and removed her borderline racist remarks.

Here is a ? for those of you on these dating sites:

What is the right speed before you ask for their number or rather move things up a bit? I get mixed feelings on this. This second girl I have been talking with seems to want to take things really SLOW. I hear from her about once a week or so. About a week and a half ago, she said she was about to take a small vacation and would  be around more often. I said great, lets go voice and have yet to hear back.


On the other hand, about 2 weeks ago , I had some woman contact me and just said hey hows it going. We talk for maybe an hour or a little longer and I ended it with - hope to chat again soon. Well never another word since. 

So to me it seems like girl number 2 is wanting to go really really slow, if anything at all. While this other girl wanted something more, right then and now. Are girls all over the map like this?

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